Travel. I would so much rather do it by boat or car than by plane. There are just no redeeming factors left to air travel other than the speed. The entire experience has been reduced to, “Well, it’s faster than driving I guess.”

Immediately after taking that picture of Lowe a security guard came rushing over and told me, “No mas photo!” Because apparently terrorists are using really big DSLR cameras to take their reconnaisance photos of empty airports these days. Pleased that he thwarted my attempt at a cute baby picture he then returned to positioning his crowd control sign.

Terrorist to Terrorist Leader: “I’ll just use my iPhone to snap a couple of pics while I act like I’m talking to my mom.”

Terrorist Leader: “That’s ridiculous. Use the big camera and pose a little kid in front of the empty concourse. The Mexican infidels are too stupid to spot you.”

Travel tip: If you want to bring your Diet Coke from home on the plane with you just pour it in a baby bottle.

Ali had some scheme cooked up over the past few days. I’m sure of it. When I went to load up the car yesterday I nearly tore every muscle in by back trying to lift our luggage.

“Ali, this is at least twenty pounds overweight.”

“Well we don’t have any other choice. We’ll just have to pay the fee.”

Pay the fee. This is the airlines we’re talking about. We’ll need a bank loan first.

At the checkout counter our three bags went on the scale one at a time. Okay. Okay. Whoa! Sixty-seven pounds. “Sir, you’ll just need to remove seventeen pounds.”

Or pay an extra ninety dollars. Plus the two other bags, that’s one-hundred-sixty-five dollars to get our luggage to Portland. Or…

“I do have one empty seat in first class for one hundred dollars and all your baggage is free.”

And there it is. Ali somehow figured out this scam ahead of time, I’m sure of it.

I’m sure her seat mate in 1B was thrilled to climb on the plane and find her sitting there with a one-year-old.

Our kids really are amazing travelers though. I didn’t cry or scream once all day. That’s a testament to them.

While Ali was eating cookies and drinking champagne, I was being offered seven-dollar Bud Lights. I would rather pee in a cup thank you very much.

Ouest spent the entire second flight saying, “Grammy now, Papa. Now? Now? Now? Now?” The seatbelt extender lady sitting next to/on top of me had a seven-year-old so she was immune to it. Good thing too because I tuned it out by the time we reached cruising altitude. When we got close I told Ouest to keep an eye out for Grammy’s green house. That kept her busy.

Lowe fell asleep for the first time all day as we were landing in Portland. Go figure. Ouest held out until the ten minute drive from the airport. Those were two tired kids.

SkyMall Magazine: Everything that is wrong with the world in ninety-seven glossy pages.

Today we were up at the crack of the middle of the night, off and running. There is much playing to do. Grammy has a shed in the backyard that has been fully converted from productive little potting shed to kids playbarn. Ouest would move in there permanently if she didn’t have to take Lowe along.