Two or three weeks ago—after two months of school—Ouest suddenly started having separation anxiety when I dropped her off at school. One day, out of the blue, I said goodbye then realized she was still holding my hand tightly. I looked down and saw her lip quivering and tears welling up, ready to burst at any moment. Every day it seemed to get a little bit worse, despite the fact that every day when I picked her up from school she came bounding down the stairs with a smile from ear to ear, bursting at the seams to tell me something or show me something that she made that day. Clearly she was having fun at school. She also made it abundantly clear that she loved her teacher.
I kept it positive in the mornings, telling her what a fun day she was going to have, and reassuring her I’d be there to pick her up before she even got done with school. But nothing worked. “Me love you Papa. But me love you,” she’d cry as I tried to break free from her grip and get her to go with her teacher. She’d leave a lump in my throat for the next hour.
I wrote a book, illustrations and all, that told the story of how much fun she’d have at school, and how we would say goodbye when the school bell rang. She really liked it, but it didn’t do the trick either.
Then yesterday Ali mentioned giving her something that would just be between the two of us. A picture, or a small toy, or something. So this morning I took her hand, and with a pen I drew a small letter P. On my hand an O. Then I told her that today at school any time she was missing me she could just look at that P and I would know she was thinking about me. And I told her that I would do the same with my O. I told her that it would be our little secret. Grinning, she agreed, then ran to the other room to show Mama.
At school we walked up to the gate, exchanged our hugs and kisses, talked about our letters again, and said goodbye. She walked through the gate without another word. The lump in my throat was gone.
Tonight after we turned the lights out for bed I told her that I was proud of her when I dropped her off at school today.
“Because I didn’t cry. Because of my P.”
“Yes, because we said goodbye so nicely and then you ran off to class with your maestra. I was looking at my O all day today.”
“I want to do the letters every day.”
“Okay, baby, we will.”
I don’t know yet if this will really be the end of it, but for one day it sure was nice.
21 Comments on “Goodbyes”
Nice, Ali! I must remember this one.
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Beautifully written, Pat. I imagine that lump in your throat that went away might just turn up in the throats of more than a few of your readers.
Is there a major reason why you put her in school at such a young age? She would probably do so much better to continue in the loving care of your family and not off with strangers. No one can take your place. Keep her home and homeschool, roadschool, worldschool, boatschool. That lump in your throat is telling you something is not right. She should be home with her loving family.
If you follow our site you would know that there were a number of reasons we put her in pre-school. One, she asked to go to school over and over and over again. Two, we felt that she could benefit from having more interaction with other kids. Three, we can’t teach her Spanish like a full immersion in a Spanish speaking school can. She is at the prime age to learn languages.
Not to mention this is like a four month stint. It isn’t as if she has been shipped off to a boarding school.
Though I’m not ruling anything out.
I had bad separation anxiety until I was in first grade. And by bad I mean screaming my lungs out and bawling and sobbing every single day like I was being tortured. For three years-plus. But I always came home happy. If my mom had just given up on me and let me stay home, I’d probably still cry when I leave her. As it stands, I’m a married college graduate functioning just fine within society. My mom “bribed” me with french fries and set up a sticker system. If I went four days out of five without crying, I’d get french fries on Friday. My teacher also let me hold her hand while we waited to go into the classroom. I like the letter idea. It’s really sweet.
You’re listening to your daughter. Good for you!
AYK, we’ve both homeschooled and then had to really encourage 2 of our 4 to attend school here. The other 2 demanded it. 🙂 I would gently recommend you read The Gift of Fear by Gavin someone (been so many years I can’t remember) if you haven’t already. My youngest is supposed to go to Guadalajara next year to compete in the pentathalon. I have to say I’m having anxiety over the thought but she’s looking forward to it. It is such a fine line to tread – encouraging their life experiences and protecting them from harm…
Yes, I have been following along and know why you have sent her.
I was hoping you would see that I believe everyone has full confidence in the two of you in that you can provide everything you just wrote above, and more. Even the Spanish she can pick up just by living and traveling to the places you stay and visit. Your children already have a huge advantage over many. Something you should be very proud of.
Thanks
Thanks Nely. I just have to say that I disagree that she will pick up Spanish just by living and traveling where we do. She may learn typical gringo Spanish. Hi, how are you? I’m good. And you. I’m three years old. etc.. I’ve lived in Spanish speaking countries for years now and make a real effort to learn more, but unless you are exposed and involved in regular (as in daily, and extended) conversations about life, politics, culture, etc.. you will never learn more than the superficial bits of the language. It’s something I’ve struggled with for years. Ouest however is already showing signs of breaking beyond that level. I also feel strongly that my kids are Mexican citizens, and as such should be as comfortable in Mexico as they are in the U.S., and language is probably the biggest contributor to that.
I am so happy Ouest asked to go to school and you have taken her. School is so much more than learning to read and write, and speak Spanish. I work in an infant school and children learn social skills with their peers and adults and they learn structure and routine and also that mum and dad are not always around and to put trust in another care giver. I was really starting to worry that you were not going to send her, she will learn so much and even this little set back of a tiny amount of anxiety will teach her fantastic coping strategies. Her asking to go just shows how well you have brought her up, allowing her to make her own decisions already. And as you have said it has allowed you to have some quality time with Lowe too. The lifestyle you have had is fantastic and I’m sure she will love it again when you set sail again and I’m envious I can’t do it with our boys, although they have had a very watered down version on VW trips, remember Hessich? We describe them as going ferrel now, exploring, making friends and staying safe. Love to you all, especially Ouest, the bump we met in Germany! Susie, Mike’s wife, Harry & Wilfred’s mum, the Auzzie zombi kombi!
I love it! This reminds me of the children’s book The Kissing Hand. We used a very similar approach when our then 4 year old was having a hard time during pre-school drop off and it definitely helped!
Big kudos to you and Ali for coming up with this; wish I’d thought of it. Kids love secrets, and one that is grounded in love is the absolute best idea I think I’ve ever heard. So simple; so effective.
I second Mark’s recommendation of The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn, wholeheartedly. It’s a great story and serves the same purpose, but leaves no marks.
Been following Bum since I discovered you from StumbleUpon years ago, and really enjoy your approach to life. Fuzzle on!
This one hit me right in the feels, Pat. Right in the FEELS!
I’m very glad you’ve let Ouest go to school since she wanted to. It’s a great way for her to meet other kids and, of course, to learn Spanish. Even with going to half-day school, she gets to see both parents far more than most kids I know get to…
We talked about our letters on the way to school today and Ouest showed the same enthusiasm about it as she did yesterday. I’m happy to report that she then literally skipped through the gates to school. So much so that she had to turn around and run back to give me a hug and kiss.
Well, I cried. Great post (as usual), Pat! Thank Ali for me for coming up with such a great idea, I suspect we will implement the letters system over here in a few years as well (probably more for me than for Navi!). What a great gift you are giving yor children- recording these beautiful little moments for them to reflect on someday. Up top for being a boss of an electronic scrapbooking dad *insert high five emoticon here*!
I love this idea! I have worked in the public school system for over 15 years. We currently have a family at our school from Israel. The children 6 and 5 do not speak English. The older boy seems to be adjusting well and catching on to English, but the younger girl has severe separation anxiety and cries every morning and the Mom feels that she needs to walk her to class. This is OK for a few days at the beginning of the school year, but now we are nearing our 3rd month. I think I may suggest this idea to Mom… tomorrow morning.
As for Ouest, I see a small P tattooed on her hand someday. (I wish I’d had my parents write out “I love you” so I could have a tattoo of their handwriting to look at everyday.)
Pat, I understand the lump in your throat. I’m not an emotional guy, but I remember dropping off my son at day care before going to work and him crying, not wanting me to leave. It only lasted about a month, but it was horrible! Eventually I had to ask my wife to drop him off a few days cause I couldn’t take it!
I’m glad that you found something that works so well! Thanks for sharing!
Hogan
Fantastic idea with the letters and even better that it worked! This story got me all in a mushy mood…those two kids are so lucky to have you both!
Awe, that was so sweet! Kudos to you !
Nely,
I have homeschooled my kids since day one. Oldest left for college in August and youngest is in 11th grade. I have had plenty of lumps in my throat with my homeschooled children. I always interpreted my lumps as love. I love my kids dearly and raising kids means lumps in the throat and tears. It doesn’t mean they need to be pulled from an activity they enjoy. My daughter and I bawled when it was time to say goodbye for college. Does that mean I should have taken it as a sign and made her stay home? She loves college life and she loves her mommy! She still brings lumps to my throat and tears to my eyes. It happens whether they are at home all the time or off at school. It’s simply part of parenting.