I was born to a sixteen-year-old girl—she’d turn seventeen in the hospital two days after giving birth. She was smart, pretty, from a decent family that loved their kids, and completely unprepared to be a teen mother. She’d known from the start that she couldn’t keep me.
She had managed to hide her pregnancy from her parents for four or five months. On a family road trip from their home in Seattle to Montana she got sick, and her mom grew suspicious. By the time they got back she knew the jig was up—she came clean.
They handled it okay at first, but after about a month, with rumors swirling around the neighborhood, she was sent off—just like so many others before her. The seventies were a different time.
For the next few months she lived with another pregnant girl and attended “Pregnant Girl School” which was nothing more than a building off of the main high school. Lunch required the pregnant girls to parade through the cafeteria where the other students could call them names and throw food at them.
When the big day came, she sat on the hospital bed and continued to be treated in the same cruel manner, only this time it was the nurses doing the name calling. Had she been the same age, but married, she would have been treated like an angel.
The cruelty took its toll. She told the nurses that the papers were wrong. Of course she wasn’t giving up her baby, it was going to come home with her. And three days later that’s what happened.
For the next few days she held me in her arms, knowing full well that she couldn’t keep me. Eventually she picked up the phone and the social worker came and got me. I can’t imagine the pain she must have felt that day, or how difficult that decision could have been to make, but I can say that it was for the best. There’s no way to know for sure how things would have turned out, but it is hard to imagine my life having gone any better than it has.
A month later my mom got a phone call that she didn’t expect to get for at least another six months—they had a baby boy for her.
February 8th will alway be a special day for the two of us. Adoption Day. From that day forward I was her son. I would always know I was adopted. I have no memory of being told that I was, I’ve just always known. My mom deserves a lot of credit for that, I think. And I also think that because I always knew and understood, that being adopted never became a part of my identity. In fact, at times, years could pass without my ever thinking of it. That sounds kind of unbelievable, but it’s true.
My mom’s first marriage didn’t work out. She remarried when I was two, and my dad adopted me days later. I was their son. End of sentence. End of story. Nobody was ashamed to admit that I was their adopted son, but they never called me that, and nobody dwelled on it, either. When people would see us together, me towering over both of my dark-haired parents with my blonde hair and blue eyes, they would occasionally ask, and we’d happily explain.
And so it would go for years and years. One happy family.
It really wasn’t until I had kids of my own that the true extent of what my birth-mother had done for me began to set in. Every couple of months I’d think, “I need to find a way to tell her that I’m good. That I’ve had an amazing life. That I thank her for what she did for me.”
But life would get in the way. And before I knew it another three months had gone by and I’d still done nothing. Then a year. Then five.
Back in December I explained to the kids for the first time that I am adopted, and what exactly that means. I don’t remember now what we were talking about that brought on the conversation, but I knew that they were getting to the age (five and three) that they could understand. And they did, more or less.
The very next day Ali was checking e-mail when she said to me, “Your birth mom is looking for you.”
It wasn’t entirely unexpected, but I did think the timing was rather uncanny.
It’s funny, I am a pretty public person, but the mediator had a heck of a time tracking me down. She finally found some reference to my in-laws, and made the connection.
For the next two months I sat on that e-mail. We were driving around Baja, and then bumming on the beaches of mainland Mexico. I can procrastinate with the best of them. During that time I was leaning on a decision which had two possible answers for me. One, I write a letter and just let her know all is well, but remain anonymous. Two, I get in touch.
I stewed on that for a while actually.
My mom actually yelped when I told her. She was so excited. My mom has always thought about my birth mother. She’s always felt a tremendous gratitude toward her, and the thought that she might be able to tell her that herself after all of these years was very exciting.
Eventually I got in touch.
For the past few months we’ve been exchanging e-mails. No, no phone calls. Everyone knows I hate the phone.
My birth mom lives in Seattle again, after a lot of middle years in Indiana. We were stranded in the midwest at the same time, and now we were both back in the Pacific NW at the same time.
This weekend we met. We hadn’t seen each other since 1974. I had no memory of it, while her memory of it hadn’t faded a bit.
The meeting went great. She’s a terrific woman. Seeing her you could sense that a weight had been lifted, and really, that’s all I’ve wanted for her for years now. Just to know. So she wouldn’t have any regrets or guilt. So she could be happy.
It’s weird in a way. I’ve had such a good life, and such amazing parents, that I was always able to feel that I loved my birth mom, while at the same time I was okay and not out there searching for answers. That feels a little cruel when I say it—it’s not meant to—but we’ve talked about it and she understands. She carried me for nine months, gave birth, and looked in my eyes, while I didn’t get to have those memories. It took her a while, but she realized as well that that was really the best possible outcome of the adoption. I was, and am, a happy and content child.
And that’s that. Reunited. It feels good. We’re all struggling a bit to understand how we fit into one another’s lives, but we’ll figure it out. We had forty-one years without each other, hopefully we’ve got forty-one more left in us together.
85 Comments on “Adopted”
can’t tell you how closely i relate to your story, i was in the same situation as your birth mom. thank you for talking about it.
So happy you shared that. I am on the other side with 2 lovely adopted sons who were, like you, told the circumstances of their start in life. In their 40s now, neither has chosen to research their background although we always told them we would support them. How I admire your Mom for welcoming the 2nd one into your lives.
Pat, that was so well told and beautifully written I’m just stunned. Congratulations to you all for the wonderful life you have had and the one for which you look forward. And the babies now have THREE grandmothers!!
Beautiful! So blessed you reunited. It is so important to all of you. May you have many happy years.
Wow, lovely post, Pat.
We enjoyed today’s story. Sounds like you’re all comfortable with the outcome, and that’s the best part.
Now that I’ve stopped crying I want to say you did the right thing. How amazing for you all to now be together now, and yes, I hope you have 40 some more years to celebrate your newfound family too. And Grammy, you are a true Grammy soul, I’ve known it from the first time I saw pictures of you on Bumfuzzle posts years back, even before you were a Grammy. You are one lucky human Patrick Schulte, and I’m so heartened to read that you really know it! Peace.?
Wow, great story! I am sure both of your Moms are happy with the way things turned out.
Best thing I’ve heard in a long time.
First time I’ve cried since we sold Dora Mac.
And the best part is, if she wants to know what you’ve been up to, well just point her to the blog… 🙂
I’m 54 and just found my birth father. Oddly, also in the Seattle area. We, too, are struggling to fit in each others lives. Thank you for sharing, Pat, not only this amazing story but all of your family stories.
Pat ,
I am so happy for you and proud .
Love
Your other mom
Susy
Well I’m a little teary sitting here in my office reading this. Without a doubt one of the most beautiful stories I’ve read and so wonderfully written. Safe travels.
I’ve been a follower for many years, never missing an entry, and this was one of the very best.
That was an awesome post…probably my most favorite ever.
How wonderful, for all of you!
Well, damn, this room is really dusty. real dusty.
The picture of your two Moms looking at a photo album hit me in the gut. You are a lucky man.
Cheers!
Wow. So much to say but all I can say is awesome! Just purely awesome.
Thanks for sharing.
Outstanding!
Thanks Pat for sharing your beautiful life story.
You “Bumfuzzle” became like family to me, just from reading your blog over the years.
Wishing you all many happy and precious moments .
“This weekend we met. We hadn’t seen each other since 1974. I had no memory of it, while her memory of it hadn’t faded a bit.” may be the best paragraph written. Just had to say that.
Hi Pat. I’ve been following your blog for years, you guys do have an amazing Family and life. I cried when i read thi post, it’s so good that you have reached out and the way you handled it. I am so grateful that there are people like you. Big love to you all, Julka
Great story. It’s funny, I started following you and Ali when you had just bought your VW van. But I stuck around because I liked your writing and your life seemed to parallel mine in a few ways. We’re the same age, when you started a family I was too.
Well, reading today’s story touched me. I met my father when I was 18. I’d always been happy without a dad. I loved my mom. Then one day, we’re grocery shopping and my mom stops dead in her tracks while we’re in the frozen food aisle. She says out loud, almost not to me or anyone, “I think that’s your dad?” I thought she was playing some weird joke on me. I later learned that he’d gone off to VietNam before my mom even knew she was pregnant. For some reason, she never told him or anyone else who the father was. But that’s how I started a relationship with my dad.
Thanks again for the story.
Wonderful story. Thanks for sharing.
Beautiful story. Lovely writing. Thanks.
Man, that’s one beautiful story, told in one beautiful post. Thank You for sharing it, and congratulations on the wise decisions.
Wonderful story! And you look so much like your birth mom! A friend just completed the same journey. Amazing how it parallels. I hope you can all be friends; grandkids can never have to many grandparents.
Very happy for all of you; thanks for sharing this happy story.
Lovely. Thanks for sharing.
Pat, Thank You for sharing such a wonderful personal story. Your family must be very proud of you. I think I must be your third “Mom”.
Priceless!!! 😉
What a precious, precious story! I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes. It’s the greatest of love when a mother places her baby in the arms of another to raise. I know because we were blessed with our 4th baby, our grandson, 14 years ago when his mother who had just turned 16, gave birth to him and we became not only his grandparents, but his parents. Times are different than they were in the 70’s, but the love never changes. So glad you all found each other. The picture of you with your moms is just precious!
Beautiful. Thank you for aharing your story with us Pat.
I agree with many of the above writers and can’t say it much different. On all our blogs we share so many parts of our lives but every once in a while we reach way down inside and share something really special, really private. Thanks for that. Beautifully written…
i don’t think I have ever seen a bigger smile on your face than in the picture with your biological mom. Also I have never read a more beautiful story of adoption. Good luck to you both in figuring out the future.
My daughter in law was pregnant at fifteen and attended a special school, she was ridiculed and called names by her peers alot. When she went into labour the nurses were so cruel. This was only in 1999, in Richmond BC.
Hard to believe.
Shelagh
All I can say is thank you for sharing such a personal story with all of us. I have adopted family members and they are going to really love reading this.
Thanks for sharing that.
Wow… Stunned is the right word. Not by you being adopted, nor by your birth mother’s loving decision to let another family have you as their own, but by the very fact that you embrace every element of life. Kudos. This was a wonderful reflection of this experience and I thank you for sharing it.
Well, that just made me cry like a baby. Such a great story. Glad you have been reunited. I can’t image the emotional roller coaster it must have been for all of you.
My favorite blog post ever, anywhere.
Very nice post, Pat! Adoption is a life-changing event for all involved!
Wow, Pat. What an awesome story and as always thanks for sharing it with all of us. Being a parent gives this story so much more poignancy. So happy for you, Ali and the kids.
Congratulations, and thanks for an amazing story. I’m impressed and very happy for you all.
How wonderful that your birth mother made it possible for you to brighten my life since you left Ft Lauderdale all those years ago. Multiply that by all the people you and Allie have met in person and on your blog, and her actions are invaluable!
Beautiful story!
Just incredible. I want a book. Some of the best writing ever…
Thanks for sharing Pat….I think it’s neat that the photo’s of you with your birth mom and mom were taken while standing in front of the shed with a peace sign on it. Perhaps symbolic of the peace you must all feel about how all of this turned out.
Congratulations to you all and good for you for bringing everyone together. Thank you for sharing….Humbled in Peru,VT
Beautiful.
I met my own biological dad for the first time this summer. Also, to much happiness and general relief.
Been reading your blog a long time as I love your photography and writing but I’ve never left a comment. This post, though, triggered a big swell of emotion for me! Thank you for sharing this beautiful story. I am so happy for your biological mother and I’m SO impressed with your Mom’s grace.
Best.Post.Ever. Very nicely written, and I am now an even bigger Grammy fan.
Great post! Grammy is a lovely lady.
Wow!
Your Mom looks just like you! Can she skate?
Really what a great decision for all of you.
I miss ya’
Magic
I am adopted too and today was the first time I read someone articulate so well how I feel. It was your story, but I felt like you wrote mine, better than I ever could. My birth mom was 14, she didn’t have the support from family. She kept me until I was two, she then gave me the best gift I’ve ever received in my life, she gave me a family that loved me and could take care of me. I’ve always know I was adopted, even though I don’t remember. I’ve also always known that no matter who she was, nobody could have made a more loving decision than she did. She was my hero in an anonymous way, I thank my father for how I’ve always felt about her. He was a special man and my other hero. One day out of the blue I completed one of those online adoption matchup forms, then completely forgot about it. Months later a match was found. We met. The first thing she said when she saw me was “I know who your daddy was now”. (It was between a convicted murderer or her “foster dad”) I couldn’t have loved her decision to gift me a family any more than at that moment, I got a glimpse of what my life almost was.
As you expressed in your meeting, she knew me, she remembered me, I used to even call her mom. She took pictures of roses on my birthday every single year. She kept a photo from the other side of the glass the day she left me at the agency. Years later She left a message at the agency, that she would take me back if something ever happened to my family. She loved me with her whole young heart and always had. But to me, she was 100% stranger, I had no context. It’s not like meeting up with a long lost friend that you just pick up where you left off. It’s a unique dynamic. I still have no doubt that she gave me the most loving gift possible and I love her for it, nothing can ever change that, ever.
I wish you and your entire family well as you get to know each other.
Deborah
What a wonderful story with an equally wonderful outcome.
Congratulations Pat.
Love the story, shows true acceptance of our humanity,flawed as it is.
That was a neat thing, though I knew you were adopted, I never thought about it. I knew you were a nice person and had a lovely Mother, with Linda. I never gave much though to you being adopted, you have a lovely family now, so keep writing and always do your best to tell the trust!
This had to be so bittersweet for her. You look just like her. I love that she’s looking through albums with your mom!
What a beautiful story, so beautifully shared. Thanks for trusting us all with it. You made many hearts swell with love. Hooray!
Thank you. Beautiful. Really beautiful. My husband and I have six children. Our youngest two are adopted from China and they will probably never know their birth moms. They do know that they are loved and wanted exactly where they are, and that they belong here with us. I imagine that their birth moms are as tenacious verbal as they are. I meant to comment earlier when I saw the loving photos of your children baking cookies with their Grandma. As I looked at the love and patience in your Mom’s eyes I thought, “Wow, that’s love. I want to be that kind of Grandma.” I thought you looked a lot like her! You have been given the gift of two Moms: one who gave you life and the other who gave you more life. Love the photos of you and your moms. You have a beautiful family. Blessings.
What a great way to start my day……Congratulations on finding your birth mum…..A heart warming story to be sure!!!
Pat,
As always, I love the blog of your journey as a family.
I think you’ve mentioned this before, but can you remind: What blogging platform do you use for this blog? Blogger, WordPress.com or WordPress.org? I am looking for a clean layout, like yours.
Cheers!
Wow! Could there be anything more powerful, hardly!
Hello!
I haven’t written for years, but I’ve been following you kids since your very first blog way back when you started your wonderful journey. I have to hand it to you, you must have one of the longest running blogs I know of. I’ve been with you through your many changes of travel vehicles and the birth of your lovely kidlets.
This last blog was such a wonderful story that I just have to let you know how beautifully it was told and how much I enjoyed it. I have been involved with a few people searching for their birth parents and I’ve always found it an interesting search. I wasn’t adopted, nor were our three children, however I have always been keenly interested in genealogy and have traced some branches of my family back to the 1600s. I’ve also helped a number of others, some of whom were adopted.
We’ve done a fair bit of traveling in our younger years with our three kids, it’s a wonderful thing to do. I taught school in Manitoba for twenty years and I’m a firm believer of education through travel for kids. We’ve traveled with our kids back and fourth across Canada and the USA many times and Europe a couple of times, even made Mexico a few times I guess that’s one of the many reasons I enjoy your blog so much. We are now pushing 80 with bad backs so haven’t wandered much this past couple of years. You’re so cleaver and lucky to to be doing what you do before arthritis etc. arrives.
I always enjoy your picture, but these are really special, you certainly look like your Mom. Your kids are so lucky to have the grandmas they had, and now they’ve got three. You can never have too many of those. We have three grand children and even a great grand daughter.
I don’t have a blog, but I’m on Face Book under Elaine McCullough May.
Thank you and Ali for your most interesting blog.
Elaine on Vancouver Island BC Canada
I’m so glad that you’ve shared your beautiful story with your readers. You are so very fortunate to have a wonderful Mom and now to have met your birth mother. We can all use all the love we can gather around us!
Amazing, how much you favor both ladies!
As Spock would say; May all of you live long and prosper. John
Thank you for sharing. Your two moms are very special and that shows in you, Ali, Ouest and Lowe.
What a wonderful story, you are truly blessed to have the love of two moms.
TomsToy
Your blog is my favourite part of the internet. This is the first time I’ve ever cried reading it.. what a wonderful story and what wonderful family (new and old) you have. Thanks for sharing them with us.
follow you from bristol england, love your travels and really enjoyed this post. glad for you both
I’m an adoptive father of twins. You rock. And so do your parents.
The three of you smiling and together….That’s great!..I have a story too..If we ever meet up I’ll share it…I was born in Seattle. Way before before you..
David
I am so happy for all of you.
I wasn’t expecting it, but this post made me cry, tears of joy that is.
I’m so happy for you guys! Thanks for sharing!
db
Heart felt post that shows everyone of very comfortable in their own skin, thanks for sharing and I wish everyone all the best.
I’ve been away / offline for a few weeks and check in to see how the Bum’s are going and read this. OMG. Even the comments are special to read. A few tears here too, great and touching story told so well, thanks Pat.
Something wrong with my computer monitor. It got all blury right towards the end of your post. I had to wait for it to clear up to finish reading.
Been following you guys since the catamaran jump-off and this is only the second time I’ve ever posted.
Truly awesome.
How wonderful for all of you! Our daughter’s birthparents placed their 2 day old baby in our arms at a social services agency nearly 20 years ago. Over the years I have so often thought of their courage, love and pain in doing so, which I think is so often overlooked. Each year when she was growing up I sent a letter and pictures to them, sharing what I would want to know if I were in their shoes. Our daughter is in college now and will meet them someday when she is ready. Bravo to you for thinking of your birthmother’s feelings. What a thrill and relief it must have been for her to meet you and know that you had/have a great life.
Great story Pat! My oldest daughter is adopted. I forget that sometimes, I think of her as my own so easily. Technically that means my grandkids are not mine, but they are too. As an adoptive parent I know that love knows no bounds. I’m not on FB anymore so I just have to check-in with the blog every now and then to see what is new. Hard to believe I have been following you guys for something like 7 years now.
I’d just like to say thanks to everyone for the kind words. And especially thank-you to everyone who has shared their stories with us through the comments, Facebook, and e-mail. It’s nice to hear from so many of you. And especially nice to hear what an amazing experience adoption has been for so many.
Pat, beautifully written – both from your own perspective and life experiences, and from your empathetic feelings and thoughts for you birth mom. From reading your books and blog, the time you took to make your decision, to find what was the best for you and, ultimately, all of your family (birth mom, your parents, Alli and your children)is, to me, very representative of how you have approached other situations and problems problems. Thank you, again, for sharing a very personal journey that touches so many.
What an amazing story! I got a little teary-eyed reading this as I’m sure most other readers did as well. You have a beautiful family and it sounds like everyone is lucky to have gained a new loved one in your lives. Congratulations on being reunited with your birth mother. I’m so glad it was a happy story for you 🙂
Thanks for sharing this very intimate story of your life. It brought tears to my eyes too, not just because it’s a wonderful story but because I know how your birth mom feels. No matter how young or inexperienced, once a mom always a mom. You never forget your child… ever. It has been 11 years since my daughter and I were reunited and we are just now figuring out how we fit into each others life. I love her so completely and would love to have that mother/daughter relationship but I realized it’s been relinquished to another mom. And like your mom, my daughter’s mom was absolutely supportive of her meeting me and to this day we are friends. Your mom’s reaction made me happy because maybe it was the encouragement you needed to make your birth-mom whole again. You will always be her child and she will always love you.
Pat,
My husband is also adopted. The same week you posted this my husband got a call from FRANCE Saying (an organization) had located his birth mother. She lived in Orlando. She had passed away the year we moved to Florida. He has three step siblings. He has contacted one of them and his mother’s sister who knew of her pregnancy. He was given up for adoption in France. Come to find out his mom was from Kansas and he married a Missouri girl (me) who grew up 2 hour away from where his mom grew up. There were a lot of weird coincidences….but his “birth family” has not been friendly…sad.